Tired...And Sick

i had bad feelings...extremely bad feeling...before it began. i was already showing my displeasure. hubby knew it so he didnt discuss his plans with me. he told me what i needed to know and left the rest of the details out. its ok...i didnt want to know either. all i wanted to know was when he'll be gone, when he'll be back and how long will he be away.

i didnt like it...not one bit. sunday night, while he bathed the boys, i was upstairs alone. i told him i wanted to clean the room and put away the boys clothes. i did all those...i cried as well. i didnt like this one bit. i hate crying because of this, i hate wasting my tears because of this but i cant help it. i cried on sunday, i cried on monday and i'm still crying now.

of all the trips he's done, i hated this the most. i felt this trip could be avoided, it could have been done better. i'm tired as well...we have 3 boys, we're expecting another. i know hubby tried to work out something best for us...he left late at night, while the boys were asleep, he promised to go and come back as soon as he can. but it wasnt enough. my instinct told me it will bring bad results.

it did. hubby came back in one piece but he wasnt fine. i knew he'd be sensitive due to the lack of sleep. my hubby cant get less than a certain number of hours sleep. if that happens, he's bound to fall sick, get dizzy spell, faint and even get his fits. and he did...he got all those. after sending the boys to school and me to work, he came back extremely tired. he's been driving for almost 20 hours in the last 24. he had almost zero hours sleep during that time.

he called me before the episode started. i was already on edge. he didnt sound good...he didnt know what he was saying. thank god he wasnt alone at home...we had an astro technician over. and the technician soon became a nurse as hubby fainted and had his fit. and thank god for tiza as well. at least she could get to him before i could. thank god for my caring neighbour too, she gave him food and drinks.

we spent half the day at the hospital. made appointments to see the neurologist, to have an mri scan.

the last time this happened was 6 years ago. ever since we got married, i took care of hubby. i made sure he had enough rest, that he doesnt overdo himself and he's been fine for as long as i've known him. but it was out of my hands this time around. and hubby suffered, i suffered, my boys will suffer.

why does this have to happen? i know hubby would hate me talking about this. he told me off once but i'm upset...i'm disappointed...i'm frustrated...i'm angry...i'm worried...i'm scared.

i dont want to be blame anyone (as much as hubby thinks i do), i dont want to hate anyone (as much as hubby thinks i do). but all i think of is...this didnt have to happen, it could have been avoided. it just didnt have to happen.

to hubby - i'm sorry but you know how i feel and you know i'm trying to keep calm about it. but who is facing the after-effects? we are, arent we?