Heartache

...leaving my boys so far away from me.

...thinking about other people taking care of them.

...not being able to see their developments.

...not being able to protect them.

...spending so little time with them.

...knowing this is not a temporary arrangement.

amir (abang long) is growing up so fast. he loves to count (like his mummy). he would count everything in front of him, from the stairs, to corn flakes, to grapes, to his toy cars. he loves watching the telly, he has memorised some of the scenes and dialogues from monsters, inc. he sees so many things that we cant see. he loves to follow what hubby and i do and say. he loves lying down next to asyraf. he's so attentive and so concerned about asyraf...baby cry, baby susu, baby tidur, he would inform us as though he's the only one who knows what asyraf is doing.

asyraf, the very difficult baby, has changed so much. he's finally smiled at daddy and mummy. he's starting to gurgle and coo at us, especially at amir. he loves watching amir and would stare to see what amir does. he has been sleeping for 6-7 hours at night, waking up only at 5am for a nappy change and a bottle. he loves the baby carrier and would sleep for hours in it.

leaving asyraf is harder as i didnt have time to bond with him. i had amir all to myself for a year, not that its enough but i had time to get to know him. i feel like i dont know asyraf, not as much as i want to.














































my babies, i hope you know that if i could, i would never ever leave you. i think of both of you every single second of the day.

Langkawi Holiday

we bought the tickets during the airasia promotion last year. we targetted the date to be during my maternity leave. the downside of booking too early is you dont know what will happen on the date that you're supposed to be travelling. amir wasnt feeling well, he had high fever after his birthday party. hubby too had the flu, so he wasnt in the mood for a holiday. but the tickets bought and the hotel's been booked so we had to go.

the first thing that went wrong was the airport limo did not show up. i called the night before to book a taxi. i repeated (and he repeated) around 3 times each that the taxi should be at our house by 9am (even said pagi, in case the "a" in am wasnt clear enough). come 9am, the taxi was no where to be seen. i called up the company, and the person who picked up the call said the booking is for 9pm. they apologised and offered a backup car. we accepted. unfortunately there was no back up car, and they had to call a cab for us. it doesnt matter, as long as we get there. they quoted the price at $66. what??!! in the website, it stated $47. when i booked the person said, i cant rely on the internet price (??) and told me it was $52. ok fine...when i called again to enquire about the cab in the morning, it went up to $56, using the excuse of "itu harga dalam system" (how many systems do they have anyway??). and now, because they put the wrong time, i'm supposed to pay even higher?

hubby called a normal taxi, who charged us $55. we got there in time. our flight was at 11:25am. we looked at the departure screen. our flight wasnt on the list. we searched for the counter, luckily it was still open. we had a light breaksfast and went in to the departure hall. outside was too crowded. then we heard the announcement. our flight is delayed to 12:20pm. great. so we sat there. amir was tired but wanted to play, asyraf was sleeping in the baby carrier, thank god. then another announcement came on...our flight is delayed further to 1:10pm. double great!

after 2 trips to the toilet, a loaf of potato bread and 2 bottles of milk later, we were on the plane. asyraf fell asleep immediately. amir stayed up long enough to watch the plane take off. hubby and i talked for a bit, and then we were in langkawi. a short taxi ride later, we were at the hotel. the hotel itself was nice. not too big but not too small.the beach behind the hotel was nice, the pool was huge. unfortunately the room was not up to my satisfaction. the furniture was old and needed to be changed. the bed was far too soft. the carpet was really gross. and the toilet...well, it was bearable. we stayed in pelangi beach resort 3 years ago, that was far, far better.

hubby slept with asyraf, while i took amir for a walk. we went to the beach, the pool, we surveyed the hotel and found the kiddies room. i let amir play for a bit, before taking him for a swim. hubby went across the road to rent a car. after shower and maghrib prayers, we went out in search of food. the boys slept in the car, so hubby drove around for a bit and we discussed where to go the next day.

on our second day there, we took a long drive towards kuah town. the boys slept as soon as we got into the car, maybe because it was hot. there were new roads constructed so hubby took his time familiarising himself with the new roads. we had mcdonalds for lunch at langkawi fair. we drove around some more, and returned to the hotel around 4pm. hubby took amir for a swim while i looked after asyraf. that night we went out again to look for ikan bakar. i wanted udang bakar but it was quite expensive so i settled for ikan pari bakar, instead.

on the third day, hubby wanted to look for the high point where we can get a nice view of langkawi island. we drove around for quite a while before finding the place. its entrance was somewhat hidden, and hubby couldnt find it from the new highway. amir liked the view and could see planes landing and taking off. then we drove to the jetty to look at boats. we thought of going to dataran helang but it was too hot.

we went back to the hotel around 3pm and i took amir for another swim. hubby returned the car before dinner. the hotel has a themed dinner every night and that night was mixed barbeque. i was waiting for that, and booked the babysitter to take care of asyraf so that we can enjoy our dinner.

on our last day there, i took amir around the hotel again. had to distract him from the pool. he wanted to jump in and was not happy with just 3 swims. around 12pm we checked out and left for the airport. we were early but we wanted the boys to sleep. i was afraid that the plane would be delayed again, but surprisingly it was on time, earlier by 10 minutes in fact.

the boys slept on the plane. we wanted to sleep too but the ride wasnt smooth.

after getting our luggage hubby went to buy the taxi coupon and the ticketing person quoted $76 for the journey. hubby flipped. earlier it was $52, then it became $56, and now its $76. what kind of system does the airport limo have anyway? the taxi was more expensive than the flight ticket we paid.

we got home, switched on the telly for amir (he's been asking for 'bear' for 3 days), i unpacked and did the laundry, while hubby read the news of the spurs-arsenal game. it was a restful but tiring trip. the next time, it wont be air asia and it wont be holiday villa...

Langkawi Holiday - Pix

amir at the beach and kiddies club
































swimming with mummy














swimming with daddy














jalan2 at the jetty and looking at langkawi from hilltop

































barbeque dinner














amir outside the room

































on the way to the airport


















watching planes take off

Amir's Dinner Party

heh...the titles sounds so "posh" huh? we had a barbeque party for amir and my sis, tiza, last night. initially, we didnt want to have a party for amir's birthday this year, as i was happy having a big one for his first birthday. but it just so happened that my sis turned the BIG ONE NINE (plus 11 more) yesterday, so i suggested that we have a party for both of them.

what was supposed to be a small barbeque for friends and family, turned out quite a big party. i think there was around 60 adults (not to mention a large number of running kids) who braved the rain to attend. the food was just enough, not to much that you would have to pack and not too little that there wasnt enough. the cuppies were delicious (sorry PCM gang...i really, really forgot to have the cake cutting until someone mentioned it to me...so malu!!). amir had a grand time, running everywhere. he ignored all the adults now that he found friends his height.

his presents were all great. he received books, puzzles, clothes, educational toys, cars, an elmo phone, coloured pencils, loads of mickey mouse & elmo toys and, tiza would want me to mention, his 5-activity maze.

thanks to everyone who showed up. i hope you guys had a lot of fun and ate a lot of food. thanks for the wonderful gifts that was given to amir.















the cuppies (thanks shida)














preparing the party favours...














amir and his presents...

Remember The Good Things

been a crappy week and a bit for me, hence the cynical posts. but since its a day from amir's party, thought i'd cheer myself up a bit.

went to jpn to collect asyraf's mykid. ok...there's 2 cynical posts waiting to be written there (1. what happened at jpn 2. the crappy mykid). then we went to giant to get some chocolates for the party favours and buy some munchies for mua. asyraf was a good boy throughout the whole trip. slept from the moment he got into the car, all the way till we got home, and a bit more afterwards that i had time to enjoy my kfc. didnt wake up while waiting for my number to be called, while i paid for parking, while i took him out when we reached giant, while i paid and even when i had to carry the groceries in. thank you sha-dingggg :)

my handsome boy today...

looks like his abang long, doesnt he...

No Thank You!!

okay, more cynical posts from me. its been that kind of week.

i know, as a new parent, most people would welcome advice and help. i know i do appreciate good help and good advice. note that i said "good". to me, good means advice that is based on good, solid research, advice that makes sense, advice that can be clearly explained. not one that is plucked out from the sky.

i especially despise (benci tahap maksima ni) when people would offer "kata orang-orang tua" to me. i soooo would love to shove it down their throat. for example, orang tua said if your baby suck their toes, you'll be getting another baby. ok...which baby does not suck their toes? its one of the development stages, where a baby discovers his body parts. but do all mummies get pregnant again? what if the mother is a single mother,will she mysteriously get pregnant?

what about orang tua said if your baby sucks his thumb, then he's a good baby. again...also part of a baby's development. are they saying we have to be prepared our baby will end up a murderer if he doesnt suck his thumb?

and another is when orang tua said that a mummy loses her hair after pregnancy because her baby sprays or spits. for the third time, that is also part of development while losing hair is due to hormonal changes. how can a baby determine whether a woman loses her hair or otherwise? i've been losing hair since secondary school, but i had my first baby in my late 20s. maybe my hair fell in anticipation of my baby spraying.

i dont really push aside old folks tales and ignore them completely. those that makes sense i follow, like not to go out during maghrib (does that qualify as old folks tale though) but if you were to offer those tales to me, be sure to have a good explanation because, believe me, i will question and probe until i am satisfied with the reasoning behind that tale. you wouldnt want to answer me with "tak tau lah...orang tua kata". orang tua mana...meh, tunjuk sikit.

i also cant stand it when people tend to go overboard around a baby, as though the mother is not around. to me, that pure disrespectful. for instance, when a mother is changing her baby's nappies, more often than not a baby would cry. i really cant stand it when there are audiences offering comments like "oh...he's crying" or "why is he crying" or "quickly...cepat sikit" or best yet, "kesian dia..." well, maybe i should just leave the soiled nappy on him then if you kesian dia sangat. this is the reason why i always look for for a baby changing room that is meant for just 1 baby, and not one that is part of a large ladies room. you'd get all sorts of people coming up offering comments or advice. huh...he's crying?? oh, is that what you call it? thank god you told me, i dont know how i would have survived not knowing this is actually crying.

ah, get off my face!

or when i'm making formula for my sons, and some "good samaritan" coming up to ask me to "cepat lah...baby menangis tu". cepat, my ar*e lah. turn around before i stuff this bottle up your nose. what, do they think a bottle of milk will magically fall down from the sky when a baby starts to whimper?

a few days ago, as i was walking in a shopping mall (more of hypermarket, malls are cooler), i stopped for a bit to adjust a sleeping asyraf in his stroller. then all of the sudden, 2 k.g.s came up to us and asked "baby menangis ke?" i mean, what the...first of all, no he's not crying. secondly, if he cries, what are you going to do about it. and lastly, he's a baby for pete's sake, that's what he does! yes...that was exactly my answer to their stunned faces.

so anyway, to those who think they're doing me a favour by offering me all those "kata orang-orang tua" as though they will change my life and give me less sleepless nights, well...think again.

heh...i can be mean, cant i mock?

Spot Check

the first few days of amir's daycare went quite well. he would go off with hubby quietly in the morning and be all cheery when i pick him up at the end of the day. he seems fine, even remembering some of the teacher's...well...teachings at home. the one i love most is him sitting on the floor next to me, one day, and put up his hands as one would while doa-ing and then wiping both hands to his face, complete with a proud look on his face.

but for the past 3 days, he would scream the house down every morning when he realises his daddy is sending him off to school. and i mean scream! in the car he would look up and watch me standing at the window, still screaming.

i decided to do a spot check on the daycare yesterday. nae suggested picking amir up earlier rather than just watch from afar (as i initially decided). i went around 3:30pm, knowing their naptime ended at 3pm. the curtains were drawn, when i drove up to the house. maybe they were still sleeping. but then i heard voices of a lot of children coming from inside. i knocked on the door and the teacher opened, surprised to see me no doubt. she was a bit kelam kabut in getting amir's bag, and it gave me the opportunity to observe the condition of the place (while there's children about...)

what i noticed...
1. there were lots of children at the place, around 14, not including the babies upstairs - the teacher informed me there were only 9 children.

2. there's 2 teachers at the daycare, not including another one who takes care of the babies. when i was there, one of the 2 teachers was cooking, which means only 1 was looking after the 14 running around.

3. there was a boy, naked after a shower, standing in the kitchen, presumably waiting for someone to help put on his clothes. who would do that since 1 was cooking and 1 was looking after the children. will the one looking after the children leave her post to put on the child's clothes, or will the one cooking do it (the latter is a very scary thought).

4. what if one of the children disturbed the cook or ran to the kitchen. it seems like they are short-handed.

5. when i asked the teacher, she assured me that amir is fine and hasnt been crying. but he was bawling the past few days especially when hubby handed him to her. he also cries when we pick him up. maybe "no, he hasnt been crying" is just a recorded answer she gives to all parents.

6. while i was waiting for the teacher to get amir's bag, one of the children voiced out to me "dia selalu menangis", refering to amir. i wanted to query more, why does amir cry, but the teacher had returned.

7. before amir saw me, he was playing with a ball alone. then one of the bigger kids went up to him and grabbed the ball from him. what i would give to whack that kid there and then. should the teacher have left the children like that? cant they separate them according to thier ages?

8. amir said "bola" a few days ago. what?!? we never used the word "bola" at home...its "ball" to amir.

now i'm upset. in two weeks, i'm leaving my 2 month old baby there. did we make the right decision?

** ninuk, there's a daycare in BJ??

Who?!?!

there's one kind of people i really detest. ok...so there's lots of kinds of people i detest, but this is one of them.

have you ever gotten a call from someone who just refuse to tell you who they are. when you ask who, they go "guess..." or "teka lahhhhh..." or best yet "takkan tak ingat kot...". i think you are the one who tak ingat, cos if you ingat, you would remember that i dont have the patience for this nonsense.

another type is those who go "hi, you probably dont remember me..." and proceed to go into a lengthy grandmother's story about where they were born, when they had their first tooth, where they buy their toothpaste, leaving out the most crucial information...the name!!

and one who goes..."i was in your class", or "we went to the same dentist", or "i stopped at the red lights next to your car 20 years ago" or provides some insignificant detail of how you met in your previous lives, and expect you to just *ting-ting* hey...i remember!!

or picked up a call for someone who is not around and the caller just say "tell him, his friend called". uhuh...and that would be..."just say, its his friend" rightttttt. the most common reply i've heard is, well obviously a friend, an enemy wouldnt normally call. but my mom once said "kesian nyaaaa...sorang je kawan dia ye???" and the airhead on the other side replied "tak...dia banyak kawan" while still not getting that my mom's waiting for her name. ok, if i hit this phone to the wall, will you feel pain on the other side?

i really dont understand this kind of people. why is it so difficult for you to say your name? are you not proud of who you are? or do you think the other person wont want to remember you? if they dont, then just move on.

there is a possibility the person genuinely dont remember you from adam, so introducing yourself properly would make it less awkward for the both of you. if the person still doesnt remember, then why not start anew. its not the end of the world if a person doesnt remember. what good is there, holding on to a small thing like someone genuinely not remembering you and making up stories just to make yourself feel better. if she doesnt remember, than she doesnt remember. be an adult and move on.

maybe you'll feel embarassed initially, that someone doesnt remember you. but it will pass. and its certainly better than irritating the daylights out of someone by acting like a kid and going "ingat tak? ingat tak? ingat tak?"

Happy Birthday Amir

my baby boy is two today. he's such a big and clever boy. never ceases to amaze me with his knowledge. i'm especially impressed with his observation and memory. he could see a small aeroplane in the sky or a shadow in the shape of mickey mouse. he can remember the way to 1utama and giant and every shop and billboard on the way.

he's filled my life with 2 years of joy, of happiness and of pride. may he continue to do so for a long, long time, amin.