Remembering...

i didnt know whether i wanted to write this down. one on hand, i dont want to remember. but i also wanted to release what i experienced, hoping by releasing i can let go. i also wanted to write this down for hubby, who cant remember a single thing that happened.

to me, it started on tuesday morning at about 6:50am. for hubby it probably started the night before, he had a headache and took some painkillers. he said the headache didnt go away and the next morning he felt dizzy. anyway, for me the whole episode started when i walked into the room to carry akmal out of his cot. i wanted to bring him down earlier than the rest because he had to take his augmentin. i looked at hubby performing his subuh prayers. for some reason, i felt that his tahiyyat akhir was a bit long. i didnt question him. maybe he read wrongly and had to repeat. i didnt want to pursue it further. we are always in a rush in the morning. but i should have because hubby did say he blacked out a bit while performing his prayers - but then the realisation always come up after things happen.

then everything was like normal. we kept calling out the boys to hurry up, walk down properly, wear your shoes, get in the car. that's our usual conversation every morning. after strapping the boys in their car seats, hubby would start the car. i would lock the door, arm the house alarm and open the gate. our auto gate is faulty at the moment, so i would have to manually open one side. then i'd stand next to it while hubby drives out and close the gate, pushing the other side.

it was 6:58am. everything was like normal. hubby and i had a short conversation...
hubby: i pening lah, i nak pegi clinic kejap lagi
me: ngapa?
hubby: entah...mcm berat skit, blur skit
me: baik u pegi jumpa dr azmi u kat dsh
hubby: hmmm...

those few words took place while we drove in front of my mydin, towards petronas. then hubby stopped at the junction and took right. as we drove passed petronas the car kind of slowed down, i looked at hubby but he looked ok. he took the roundabout fine. after the roundabout, as we drove passed the 1st jelutong shops under construction, i felt hubby look at me. i turned to look at him but he was slowly turning his head to face front. at that moment, he looked like he was not focusing on the road but my first thoughts was he saw a mosquito. he had that look...that look one has when they're focused on a flying mosquito and about to attack it. it sounds funny...i didnt know it was serious.

anyway, when i felt he was looking for mosquito i started to feel weird. how come i didnt see the mosquito. i tried to squint and look for it, eh takde pun nyamuk. then i saw him take his hands away from the steering wheel. exactly like one would when he's about to well...pukul a mosquito. i was still looking for it. at this moment, the car was slowing down. then all of the sudden, out of nowhere...god, i cant even write this...out of nowhere, hubby clenched his hands (i saw that first because i was focused on his hands) then his turned his face upwards like he's looking at the sky and let out a scream. i cant ever, ever forget that scream. it was like he's in pain, he's so full of anguish...macam kena dera. i started to lift myself of my seat. i slapped his face, i called out his name...babe, bangun babe. i started screaming for him to wake up to stop the car. i knew he was having a seizure. i have prepared myself since the day we got married to face this. but my mental preparation went down the drain because it happened in the car...while the car was running. if only...

anyway, i was halfway out of my seat. i slapped his face, then his whole body went stiff and unfortunately his feet pressed the accelerator down. the slowing down car went into overdrive. the boys were stunned. they didnt say anything but they looked extremely in fear. i blocked them out. all i want at that moment, was to stop the car. if the car stopped i can focus on hubby. i shoved my left fingers into his mouth. that's about all i can do for hubby now, i dont want him to bite on his tongue. then my right hand tried to push his leg off the pedal...dah keras, i cant. i put the gear in neutral and it made a rough sound, i got scared. then i put it back in drive. the car continued to speed forward.

i gave up on trying to stop it. hubby's leg was totally pressing down the pedal. and as long as he's in seizure i cant get it off. i played with the steering wheel. i kept it off the left side, since i was on the left. but i cant do much, i couldnt control the car with my fingers being bitten down. i just prayed...please dont turn turtle, please dont hit anything, please no airbag. the car jumped over a huge patch of green (which turned out not a smooth patch but has ups and downs and drains even). then it dropped back onto the street and then jumped again onto green and slid down into a ditch. it finally stopped on lump of grass (is that the word...lump - its like a slope-ish). the car was tilting to the right, the right side of the car was in a patch of water.

immediately i saw faces at my window, there were 3 guys knocking on the door. i stretched my body to unlock the car. they tried to get hubby out. i just screamed 'jari saya...jari saya. tolong bawak keluar jari saya dulu' hubby was biting on it...it was very painful. i think one of the guys push hubby face upwards and i slowly slid my fingers out. then i unbuckle the seat belt and said 'tolong tengok dia...panggil nama dia, panggil nama dia, panggil dia syam' i was mumbling, i cant remember what i said. then i quickly jumped out of the car. my side was higher then hubby's side. i saw a few more people trying to get the boys out. akmal started crying. amir was crying. asyraf and ariff were just stunned. i could not handle amir's cries. he kept screaming 'daddyyyyy...daddyyyy'. he couldnt see hubby as he sat 2 rows behind him but his first thoughts was for his father. maybe because he couldnt hear hubby say anything, maybe he wanted hubby to jump out, be the superhero and carry all 5 of us out. maybe he felt that...that was what i was feeling. its not supposed to be me trying to keep this family together, its supposed to be hubby doing that. i couldnt handle it. i couldnt handle being strong for the boys.

the first guy took out akmal on his car seat. i just said 'saya nak anak saya...letak krusi tu balik. saya nak angkat dia'. he asked again if i was sure, sure that i didnt want the car seat. i screamed back, saya nak pegang dia. i wanted to hold on to my baby. i wanted to make sure he's still with me. then i shouted 'babies...anak-anak mummy semua pakai shoes ok, anak-anak mummy keluar ikut mummy ok'. i said that again and again. they were just shocked. i looked at the men trying to wake hubby up. there were about 5 of them. i remember 3 faces clearly. then i ran to the edge of the slope and walked up with akmal in my hands. one of the guys trying to wake hubby up shouted...get into my car and pointed to a wira accross the street. slowly the boys too were carried up the slope and ushered into the car. asyraf at the end most, next to ariff. both sitting down quietly still very much in shocked. amir was crying, he kept asking 'mana daddy amir, daddy amir dah mati ke?' at that moment, the thought really did cross my mind. i dont want my beloved hubby to leave us. my heart was just praying, god...bring him back to us, we need him, i need him, the boys need him.

i called my boss...i stumbled on my words. i just said i cant come in to work, my hubby had a fit, we had an accident. she asked me a few questions. i couldnt answer. then i called my sister. i couldnt get through. i called my dad but couldnt get through. in 30 seconds, my dad called me back. i tried to sound normal. i just said we were in an accident, i need my sister to get here. he tried to sound normal but i know he was worried (tiza verified that later at the hospital). during the phone calls, the guys who were helping hubby kept shouting...dia dah sedar...dia dah sedar. i couldnt say my prayer of thanks, i was numb. i saw from the car across the street that he was still stiff. i kept asking 'dia dah cakap ke, dia dah sedar ke'. i told them 'panggil nama dia, jangan terkejutkan dia'. then i dialled zu. she answered on the 3rd ring and once i heard her voice, the hysteria in me surfaced. i cried and cried and cried. i heard zu calling my name and i just cried out 'zuuuuu...anak i, anak i. they're so small, i dont want to lose them'. i think i scared her off. i dont know what i said then and i dont know what she said. i put down the phone and tried to calm amir down. he was still calling for his daddy, he kept asking if 'daddy amir mati ke?'. i saw hubby moved. every now and then his lifted his head. the guys slowly walked away from the car. some ran to the slope, saying, 'dia ok...dia ok'. some asked where we stayed. some asked what happened. my ears picked up a statement one of the passer-by made 'aku nampak kereta tu melayang'.

the next thing i know i saw hubby trying to walk over the hand brake and the glasses compartment. he walked out from the car through akmal's door. then the guys helped him walk towards the slope and up into the car we were in. his face was white his eyes were round and he looked tired and confused. the opened the door next to asyraf and sat him down. hubby was asking so many questions - what happened, who are they, why are we here. an elderly guy advised me not to answer afraid that it would freak hubby out. i then focused on the car. i asked for help to take the boys' bags out, hubby's bag, the house keys, our smart tag. luckily we didnt have many things in there. then i asked for the car keys. they said they couldnt take it out. i got scared. i dont want to leave the car unlocked and running (was it running...i dont know). i passed akmal to hubby and jumped back down into the ditch. they called out...kak, tak payah. i tried to take the keys out, i couldnt. then for some reason (i still dont know why) i looked at the gear, the car was still in drive. i put it to park and switch off the car and took out the keys. how did i know how to do that??!!

i locked the car, climbed back up. i looked around at the faces of the good samaritan who helped us and just said 'thank you...thank you semua.' i didnt know what to do then but a couple of guys (including the owner of the car the boys were in) just ushered me into the car. he then drove us back home.

my sister called saying she was on her way. we brought the boys in, brought the bags in, took hubby in. i had a lot of phone calls, tens of sms-es. i sat everyone down in the tv room downstairs. i ran around like a headless chicken. i wanted to prepare the boys' bags for an overnight stay in the school. i wanted to prepare clothes for hubby - i decided that he should be admitted. i changed my clothes, brought down a change of clothes for hubby. my sisters came not to long after that. by 7:40am they were in my house. i cant believe everything happened in just 35 minutes. our lives totally took a dive and was shaken and was thrown back into our faces in just 35 minutes.

i cried to hubby...i pleaded for him to take his pills, i asked him to look at the boys and promise he'd never miss a pill again. i cried and he got scared. i shouldnt have said it then but i wanted him to realise the severity of the situation. my sister went back to the scene to take the boys' car seats (i cant stress on the importance of car seats enough) and take anything she could grab. hubby's colleague came by and kept him company while i ran trying to put everything together. i broke down a few times. i broke down in front of my sisters, i broke down in front of hubby (who kept calling me to hug him), i broke down with amir.

we sent the 3 boys to school, filled the teachers on what had happened. we got to the a&e at 9:30am. zu, fidah, watie and andy met us at the there. my dad came as well. hubby was looked at and admitted for observation. i was given a tetanus shot because hubby bit me quite bad. amir was cleaned the bumps and bruises he sustained on his face. hubby too had a bump on his forehead. i think he hit the steering wheel.

the whole day passed by quickly. we waited for the neurologist to make his rounds. we waited for hubby to move to a single room. once all that was done, i took amir home to get a change of clothes. i got the chills as i entered our house. it dawned on me that as we shouted for the boys to wear their shoes, as i locked the door this morning that we might not have returned. i was in the house for only half an hour. i didnt want to be in there longer without my boys...without hubby.

once we have calmed down from the whole day's event we started feeling aches and pains. we suffered whiplash. amir was coughing and wheezing. he was given the nebuliser by his pead. hubby did a brain wave scan the next day and there was no abnormality in the reading.

its been 58 hours since it happened. we've brought the boys home, we've sent the clothes to the laundry, we've unpacked from the hospital stay, we've made our police report and submitted the papers for insurance claims. its been 58 hours but it feels like it just happened. i cry so many times. i cried at 7am for the past 2 days. i cried when i saw my boys for the first time. i cried thinking of the car. i cried whenever i passed the accident scene. my eyes are swollen from crying. i get the shivers, i feel uncomfortable, i feel unease, i feel incomplete, i feel scared, i feel lost, i feel glad, i feel thankful, i feel blessed, i feel looked after, i feel cherished.

i cant believe the reaction i got from my family and friends. i cant believe the amount of people saying they wanted to give me a hug. i cant believe how much i want my family protected. i cant believe how wonderful the teachers have been, how much they care for the boys. i cant believe i have so much tears...i cant believe i could release so much tears, i thought i'd be dehydrated.

to my family and friends and...thank you. thank you for your words, your thoughts, your sms-es, messages, emails, gifts, hugs, your help, your concern, your calls, your comments in the last entry. its so wonderful to know we have a wonderful support system. i wouldnt have made it without you.

to my beloved, beloved hubby - please take your pills, please rest, please think of how much we love you, how much we need you.

to my amir iskandar - my lovely boy. my best friend, my companion for the past 3 days. he's cried when i cried, laughed when i laughed. he was just there when i needed someone to talk to.

to my asyraf izzudddin, my ariff iqhwan and my akmal izzat - mummy will do everything to make sure you're always protected. i hope you'll get over this soon because i dont want you to feel as i do.