1 Again

* warning - this is a long entry dedicated to my little baby *

asyraf is 1 year old today. i feel like this is such a big moment. i know i've said this a gazillion times but after the year we had with asyraf, i feel like the celebration is as much hubby's and mine as it is his. to say we got through the year is such a wonderful feeling and to be able to say, we made it without help is even more important to us.

i know people may think...what is so difficult about asyraf? where do i start? to begin with, he would not stop crying. no, its not one of those "all babies cry". he is one of those "the only time he doesnt cry is when he's asleep" babies. it was nerve wrecking. he would cry so much, i was afraid my neighbours would move house. he would cry so much, i was scared to send him to a daycare for fear they couldnt handle it (asyraf's first day at the daycare was very bad - for him and for his parents). he would cry so much, i had to run to another room to escape his cries.

not only that, he was sick almost all the time. i could count the times he was well, as opposed to him being unwell. and when he's sick, it is so bad. he would throw up every hour. he would have diarrhea. he would have difficulty breathing. he would have flu. he would have cough. he would have high fever. he would be wheezing. he would have the works and it would all last for 2 weeks. 2 weeks!! and he would get sick twice a month. that means once he's well, 2-3 days after that, the cycle would start all over again.

i remember when i started weaning him. 1 jar of gerber meant 2 weeks of throwing up and diarrhea. we stopped giving him gerbers and shifted to nestum. 1 bowl of nestum would mean another 2 weeks of throwing up and diarrhea. and his throwing up is not once or twice a day. its once or twice an hour! we would put him down to sleep and before we closed our eyes, he throws up. hubby would take him to the bathroom and clean him, i would change his bedsheet. we put him down...2 minutes after that, another session. it got to a stage where there's just no point in putting bedsheet and putting on his clothes. we just put an old kain batik and asyraf would sleep in his diapers.

food isnt the only thing that would make asyraf throw up. not burping would have the same effect. not only when he's 1 or 2 or 3 months. asyraf needed to be burped till he was 7-8 months. if he is not burped, he would throw up.

then sleep...asyraf is a sleep-fighter. he would fight and fight to stay awake. no matter how tired he was, he would not sleep. and then when he feels the tiredness dawn on him, he would bellow out. i would scream "if you're tired, just sleep!" but he wont...he absolutely refused to sleep. after weeks of torture, hubby put him on his tummy (against my wishes) and said "if this is the way we can get him to sleep, then this is the way it has to be".

but the solution to one problem, turns out to be the cause of many, many other problems. asyraf would breathe in all the dust on the bedsheet and the mattress that it gave him bronchiolitis. asyraf would only sleep on his stomach that we had to buy a new stroller that can lie flat so that he can sleep that way all the time. asyraf would not fall asleep in his car seat and would scream and shout in the car when he's sleepy, because he wants to sleep on his tummy. he wants to sleep one way and one way only. it was frustrating!

when asyraf learnt to roll over, it was even more frustrating. he would roll over in the middle of the night and then cry out because he doesnt want to sleep on his back but cant roll back to his stomach. every time he rolled over, i had to roll him back. it would go on for 10-15 times a night and i would go to work the next day in a daze. i mean, i dont mind getting up to make milk and feed him, but to wake up just to roll him back on his stomach...omigod!

so that's asyraf - our crying, clingy, screaming, allergy-prone little boy.

hubby and i were afraid that we were not able to handle asyraf in that condition and a new baby. we were really scared of ariff's arrival. but we said, like it or not, we have to face it. surprisingly, it was not what we expected. alhamdulillah, ariff came without the "handle with care" tag and asyraf just totally changed for the better.

ever since the food poisoning episode where both boys were admitted back in september, asyraf has not had a throwing up session or had high fever, except once on the second day of eid. hubby warned not to mention it but i'm just too happy he's (probably) has passed his unwell stage, for now.

asyraf is thriving. he's already standing up, started taking a couple of steps, able to clap, he loves giving people his face to be kissed, he loves playing catch with abang long, he loves playing hide and seek and peekaboo. asyraf is very attentive, he would watch amir play and observe what amir does. amir loves playing near the bouncing chair. he would put his toys at the top of the chair, watching the toys slide down. asyraf would always stand next to him watching him play. one day i saw asyraf standing alone by the bouncing chair, taking a toy and doing exactly the same thing amir did...watching his toy slide down the chair. at that moment, i had tears in my eyes. so that's what he's been doing all the while. he's been watching and recording what his abang long does and the first chance he got, he repeated what he saw.

asyraf is quiet, he doesnt say much. amir at this age has said a few words and was mumbling non-stop (sort of a warning of what he would be like in the future). asyraf just observes the things around him, looking around, absorbing the sights and sounds (more often than not with a frown on his face) and when we call out to him, he would have the biggest, most beautiful smile on his face to match his beautiful big eyes.

from what we see, asyraf can respond to a few words. when we say "nak" he would pass the item he's holding to us, when we say "nah" he would take it back from us, when we ask "where's mummy or daddy or abang long?" he would look around the room to find the person we mentioned and he would clap his hands when we say "clap". he's also trying his best to walk when we hold out our hands and say "walk" but he's only managed a couple of steps before swaying and going to the ground on all 4s.

asyraf's legs are quite strong. he's able to stand up by pushing his calves and thigh without support from his hands (even i cant do that!). now that he's mastered standing and controlling his legs, he's forever standing and loves watching the telly while standing up. he's showing signs of being a great central defender in the future (ahhh...steve bruce in the making - of course someone would disagree and say asyraf is sanderos). he also loves to dance, especially when i sing a particular song he loves.

putting asyraf to bed is still an exhausting task. if he doesnt want to sleep, he wont sleep. as long as the telly is on, he would not sleep no matter how sleepy he is. he would rather crawl around the room with his eyes closed than sleep. he still sleeps on his tummy, that's his preferred position. but he's open to sleeping on his sides as well now. he's also slept on his back but that's only when he's really, really tired. after months of not wanting to sleep in his car seat, he's finally adjusted himself to it. but that's only when we changed the newborn car seat to the older baby car seat. he seems to prefer the latter to the former. anything...as long as he sleeps in the car.

asyraf is chubby now. i really dont know why. he refuses to eat at home, he just drinks his milk. maybe he eats a lot in school. but i'm so surprised that with so little food and so many throwing ups, he's so big and chubby and cuddly. hubby would call asyraf "seketul" and i call him my big ball.

he's also showing his cheeky nature. he absolutely loves it when abang long gets scolded or when abang long cries. he would have a big smile on his face and then he would look at us all innocently, as if saying "asyraf baik kan??" he also loves disturbing amir when amir's asleep. asyraf also loves to hide behind the curtains and peek at us and then goes back behind the curtains. he would do that with the curtains or the sliding door in my room. he also loves to act. if he does something naughty (like throwing the remote control) and he knows he's about to get scolding, he would quickly put the back of his hands on his eyes and pretend to cry.

asyraf is special, even more special due to the difficult time we faced during his first year. as difficult as it was taking care of him throughout his trying moments, its even more difficult letting go of his hands when he walks, its even more difficult seeing him not depending on me, its even more difficult seeing him grow up. much as i do not wish to again go through what we went through, a part of me wants him to always remain a little baby, the little baby that wanted no one else but his mummy and daddy.

why is it more difficult to let go of asyraf than it was with amir?